Yeah. That too. I worried that I would be outed as unfit for midwifery by my peers – because I “didn’t have what it takes.” I remember being worried that I would be publicly called out for it.

In a subsequent apprenticeship – where I was older and a wee bit wiser, I tried to set some healthy boundaries, and I was accused by the midwife of ‘not wanting it bad enough.”

No, I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my integrity any longer for it. I wasn’t. Those subtle digs – and the deplorable practice environment and crappy safety standards are what made me leave.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt overtly proud of this. I’ve felt more like a drop-out and a wimp.

I still don’t publicly talk about what I saw and what I know happens at home births with midwives.

I respect very much what you are doing. It must be difficult. You are brave.